Torn But Mending It

Why is it so hard to forget you? I thought I had overcome the loss and had let it all go. I would be lying if I said I am over it and that I don’t care about you anymore. I can tell my friends that I am getting by fine and that I am happy now. But I am just fooling myself. I am still thinking about you and I am so missing the banters we were so good at. It does not help knowing that you are going to leave the country in a few days and I can’t call to say “Have a safe journey, you will be in my prayers.” It hurts real bad and I am crumbling inside. It is just so damn hard to pick up the pieces and move on. I know I was the one who gave it up, for her sake, for your sake. I knew it was going to hurt me so badly but I did not think I would be a broken woman, defeated beyond my wildest imagination. I wish I could turn back time and make a different decision altogether. I wish I had agreed to your ‘plan’ to keep the ‘chemistry alive’ instead of playing noble and righteous and giving it all up. I still don’t understand why I chose to hurt myself for the sake of others and why I continue to think about how others would feel instead of thinking about my own feelings? God, give me your grace because I am so lost and torn. God, I wish to see my friend one last time, to tell him I will always care, even a hundred years from now. And after that I will accept my defeat.